Life is full of surprises. We never know. This time I speak by experience.
It’s been too long since my last post. Many things have happened; moving to Paris is one of them. The process in between, mentally and physically draining.
Everything happened so fast yet felt so long. I do not even know where to begin.
I still remember that night when my husband and I thoughtfully discussed this for the first time because his job interviews were getting serious. We did not think it was serious at first because changing a job in the middle of the pandemic is quite a rare chance, and that too for a job in a field (read: programming language) where he is not an expert, in a country where he does not speak the language. This opportunity came as a surprise, as he totally forgot that he ever applied. So, yes, when the HR called and asked for an interview, he did not expect that he would go this far. And we did not give a damn about it until it struck us that, hey, it’s time to sit down and really talked about it.
I realized that night that letting him continue the hiring process means a walk closer to quitting my job. I could only think about myself and my future as a perfumer. Do you know how important it is for me to be a perfumer? I used to believe that without it, I am nothing.
I used to think that I am my job, my profession. I love creating perfumes with all my heart, and I took pride in what I do. At least my friends at the office would understand how passionate and motivated I am while working. But when it’s taken away, what’s left? Who am I without my perfumes? Who am I if not a perfumer?
That night, I watched my husband as he talked and poured out his heart and thought. He seemed so excited about this new start-up but, at the same time, worried about me. I wished to understand and immediately said yes to the probability of moving to Paris, but I could not. I needed more time to anticipate all the circumstances.
Family versus personal ambition. An incredibly tough choice (for me).
My head was going to explode, thinking about it by myself. I finally sought help from someone I trust, and this person’s question made my busy mind reflect on this one thing: which one is my priority? That’s a question only I can answer.
It’s not that I was clueless. I had the answer deep down in my heart; I just couldn’t admit it because I was afraid of the consequences. I felt like my life would be over if I picked the wrong box, if I opened the wrong door, if I chose the wrong path. At times like this, I felt like I had no freedom to make mistakes as if my life was at stake, and I wouldn’t have control over the circumstances after the decision was made.
But really, is it really about right or wrong? And if I choose the least better way, would it always be bad? I mean, who knows the future?
I once told myself I should never make any decision based on fear. I understood that failure is not absolute. As long as I live, I can still get back up on my feet again.
So here I am. Sipping wine while writing this journal at 10 in the evening in my apartment in Paris. I thought I would never have the courage to quit my job, put my ambition behind for a while, and prioritize my family. But surprisingly, I did it. I did it because this is what God has put in my heart. If I looked back, God opened the doors, one by one, without us realizing He led us here. And if He is the one who opens the door, He will prepare the way. And who holds the future? Not me, not my husband, not people around me, not my enemies, but only God.
And you know, it felt weird. There are days when I thought it was a fantastic decision, but there were also days when I was full of doubt. My decision still came with consequences that I am living in now.
Now I am me without a title, but I am not nothing. I am a creator. I have a trained nose and eager to sharpen it. I am artistic and intelligent. I am determined, highly motivated, and a fast learner. I am courageous and brave. I am someone who knows my worth and won’t settle for less.
A meaningful reminder from someone that I believe was meant to be in my life during these challenging times:
“If you obsess over whether you are making the right decision, you are basically assuming that the universe will reward you for one thing and punish you for another.
The universe has no fixed agenda.
Once you make any decision, it works around that decision. There is no right or wrong, only a series of possibilities that shift with each thought, feeling, and action that you experience.Deepak Chopra, quoted by Hanifa Ambadar on her Instagram @hanzkyy.
Being a perfumer is a dream come true. I never imagined leaving the position so soon. It was never in my plan for the near future. But right now, God led me here. I have chosen this path, and I will not be afraid to walk by faith because God’s grace is enough, and I have all I need.
New year, new me. Cliché but accurate.
The Sensory Club 2.0 is in the making.